i'm making a mix cd for a friend. it's really no big deal, more of a christmas present because it would be a great present for them. it's kind of our thing.

but i get SO RIDICULOUS when it comes to making these things. i am swiftly reminded why i never make them.

is it weird that i want to bring lights to baba's so i don't have to use a flash?

this year has been a remarkable year. it was a huge test. i feel that i passed with flying colours.
i definitely didn't do it alone.
it started off finding me in a very dark place. i found myself in a hole that was far too familiar. i didn't want to be there. i thought i was going crazy. i hurt a hurt that i don't think anyone should feel.
it was very lonely.
but. my friends loved me no matter what. even my roommates were a support i fell on, which i don't think they realize to this day.
i slowly crawled out of it. it took a lot of fight. a lot of hard choices. but i did it.
it took leaning on everyone i loved.
it certainly wasn't the darkest part of my life, but it was pretty low all the same.
moving back home was probably one of the smartest things i have ever done, next to moving to halifax. i don't regret a second of living in halifax. i was meant to go there, just as i was meant to come back. i have a better grip on who i am, where i need to be. who i love.
the winter was hard. i had to recover not only from such a dark place, but also an operation on my abdomen. physically and mentally i felt a helplessness i hope i never feel again. the spring saw good times. i was still recovering, but i could smile more.

summer was better. i met insanely awesome people. i re-connected with old friends. friends i've always adored, but never allowed to get close.
i'm too cautious sometimes.
fall saw more incredible experiences. both ends of the spectrum. i loved, and hurt, and broke. i found a closer bond with old friends, and a new bond with new friends. one perhaps the most random of all. all of my friends are here because of some common link. be it sheer years of being in the same small city, or a group of mutual friends. except one.
which totally has blown my mind cause it's awesome.
anyway. every single day that goes by i find more reasons to smile. to laugh. to love. this year has seen a life time of heartache, but also a lifetime of happiness.
i've questioned my future. i've wondered if i'll be alone for the rest of my life. but i've stopped that.
"the future is not ours to see"
whatever happens, will happen.

i am happy right now. i love right now. the people i know right now, i can say with honesty that i would not be here right now if it weren't for them.


i finally allowed myself to heal. for the first time in 14 years.

i am getting impatient. THIS IS A BAD SIGN. i must refrain from drunk messaging people.


wine removes that barrier i have up that keeps me from spilling my guts.

..and oh my god i need to spill.

i feel like i'm walking on thin ice. i feel that there is an underlying situation, which may or may not have indirectly compromised a situation currently happening which revolves sort of a bit around me.

i feel that the immediate future depends VERY HEAVILY on NOT FUCKING SHIT UP.

this is very hard for me.

a somewhat sad situation is developing with a friend. a friend who i care very much for. a miraid of emotions i'm not even going to attempt to define because that would make things topsy turvy, and i really need things to be on the level.
like, REALLY need.

this "sad situation", i feel (in my apparent wisdom), is a step that needs to be taken. once it's taken, things will be not so sad anymore. and that is pretty good. that is a beneficial outcome for my friend.

however. this sad situation that is currently apparently happening, once it is over, there's a possibility of a door being open. which involves my presence.

i think this Possible Door exists because that door has already been knocked on. not by me. not by my Friend. but by A Third Party.

Third Party sat Friend down and said "HEY SEE THIS DOOR? YOU NEED TO OPEN IT AND WALK THROUGH IT."
and Friend said "I see this door. I see that it exists. It's existence is not necessarily a bad thing, however, I can not go near it because of This Reason (RE:Pre Sad Situation)"

Possible Door situation stresses me out. well, no not really. but it does? i haven't decided yet. it should!

i enjoy Current Situation i have with Friend. Possible Door could(would!) be better, but it never has worked in the past.

however, Friend is different. miles different. in every single way different. it's unlikely. and impossible.
yet makes the most sense i have ever had the sense to sense.

but it's me. so Possible Door will be avoided by me at all cost and Current Situation will be stayed with for as long as i can hold onto it.

not because i want to. but because i have to.


because i destroy things and i do not want to destroy This Thing.

i'm really not sure what to say.


(p.s. you can click the picture..)

it feels good to say my sister

maybe that ache in my chest is from a bit more than just a cold...


i always end up destroying things. i'm tired of it. i can't even have "just friends".

it's awesome to have someone still obsessed after all these months.

especially when they accused me of being obsessed. oh. in your face.

as twisted and pathetic as it is, i'm not at all surprised.

tomorrow (later today?) i am carving a pumpkin while i watch snakes on a plane and drink wine with friends.

then we're going to see immaculate machine at hunter's.

pretty stoked for tomorrow. (later today?)