12:30a.m. texts from friends wondering what i'm doing make me wish i lived downtown.

sometimes certain peoples inability to grasp that i can be "just friends" with someone baffles and angers me.
sometimes i just wish certain people would go away and not exist in my world anymore.
sometimes i am tempted to just leave the situation.

..but that makes me feel like a fairly selfish person and that's pretty upsetting.


i'm fairly upset.

sometimes it seems like everyone is in my head. i get an awesome idea and then SUDDENLY EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT.

get out of my head, people! jesus!

not that my idea is in any way shape or form unique or ingenious. it's just not really being done here. or, wasn't.

i still have a headache (since friday yay!) but i don't want to curl up and die so much. i think i can function fairly close to a normal human being if i have to.

fuck.

BBL GOING TO CLAW OUT MY INSIDES

yay so pre-pms migraines have started again.
fuck. this makes me want to die.

seriously. if i could get my inside girl bits scooped out and donated to someone who's got broken ones with no ill effects, i would.

i'm told depo-provera might be a good option for me, but i have little information on it (except what the internet tells me, which i suppose is a lot) and a doctor who doesn't answer questions.
why did i not go to my doctor in halifax? she was beyond fucking amazing.

i am just so sick and tired of feeling like this. existing makes me want to throw up right now. but i have a feeling of guilt and i don't know why. as if i'm just being lazy and don't want to deal with this monthly bleeding business. (which, yes, partially true. this summer it's ruined my life on two awesome camping trips and i just plain didn't go to another)

hay ladies. what's your take? anonymous comments are welcome, as always. or e-mail: my name is moe (at) gmail (dot) com
there are no spaces! i did that for (incredibly lame) searchability reasons.

last night was fun. a lot of talk about exciting things and projects! we got an e-mail address from a guy who could be a huge help.

i have a lot of things to look into, and a lot of things to learn.

on co-hosting a radio show; let me organize my thoughts for you.
(some of my links open to sound automatically playing)

as i'm sure you know, i was ridiculously nervous. i fretted and freaked. pondered & panicked. in typical OH GOD THE WORLD IS GOING TO END style.

i was given the official playlist tuesday evening. i poured over it. made a playlist on radio 3 with all the songs i would be discussing (IE: the ones around the host breaks). i listened to it over and over again the night before we recorded.

we were supposed to record it on weds afternoon, but the only studio time he could get was thursday morning. for a 4 hour show, we'd only record an hour of talking, which would be edited down even further. (it's mostly music.)

i had tons of great things in my head to discuss. lots of local bands to promote and shove in everyones ears. unfortunately, the amount that was actually playable was limiting, but that's ok. i could still discuss and link to things on the actual blog.

i got to write the blog entry AND do the graphic for the show i co-hosted. i completely forgot, and had nothing written down. no ideas.

if you are at all familiar with the blog portion of cbc radio 3, there is typically a "question" posed at the end of it, to promote discussion on the blog/twitter/e-mail.
i wanted it to be funny, engaging, thought provoking.
but if you know me, i'm pretty "yeah it's all good whatever..". and i tend to ramble.

so weds evening, about 3 hours after craig wanted it, i sat down and turned on my brain and wrote. i gave little thought to what i was typing until i finished. edited a few cumbersome sentences, put in some links, and sent that puppy off. i gave little thought to my question, as i had so much more to think about. my brain was filling up and over loading.

that night i barely slept. i accepted my fate, i would: do well, do ok, or totally bomb. one of those three. there was little more i could do except to sleep a good sleep, and wake up early and go over everything.
but i guess i couldn't shut my mind off, cause i laid awake most of the night. i wasn't even thinking about the show! i was fairly comfortable in that i did all i could do to prepare, and knew my instincts to TOTALLY ACE EVERYTHING would kick in and i'd be alright.
i guess that thick hot chocolate i drank at 9pm didn't help, eh?

we were scheduled to do it at 10a.m. i woke up close to 9, ran around the house like i was insane (thank god i was alone) and got everything in order as best i could. i ate, made coffee, poured a glass of water, had my notes with many markers, my laptop. i set up shop in the kitchen where there was lots of light and room to pace.
yes, i am one of those. i walk in circles when i'm on the phone.

he called about 4 or 5 minutes after 10. i was a frantic mess. i quickly found out craig is ridiculously easy to talk to, and put me at ease nearly right away (even said i had a nice voice! awww!). i became less nervous about talking to a stranger, and just plain nervous about being on national radio (which has active listeners from all over the world). scary, huh?
we chatted for a few minutes before we started. i really think the worst part was recording the intro to the show (hi my name is *insert name* and you are listening to *insert name of show*). it was all me. he gave me the lines to say, but this would be peoples introduction to me. if i sounded weird or lame or awkward, it pretty much set the tone.
i practiced the line for 5 minutes before he called. i probably should have given myself more time...

the show was actually airing at 11. like i mentioned before, it's usually done the day before. this was the first time it was done an hour beforehand. SO NO PRESSURE. as long as we got the first "hour" done in the first 20 minutes, we were golden, though. all of the "in between" music would be edited in later. we were strictly doing the host breaks. (did i just take some of the magic out of it? sorry..)
it was really neat to be apart of it all.
between host breaks we chatted, which would give him fodder for the actual breaks (YOU hear what i am calling "host breaks"). he's really good at picking out what to discuss. i tend to ramble, so i probably gave him a lot.

i was still really nervous. he kept asking how i was doing, and said i was doing a great job. i figured i must be doing at least half ok or he'd be telling me to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. he called me out numerous times off AND on air about being nervous. i guess he didn't believe me. i'm ridiculously social, yet ridiculously awkward. so when i'm nervous, i can go one way or the other. i never know. thankfully this time i went social.
it was pretty fun to joke about how nervous i was, and i fully intended on being very blunt about it on the air anyway. i think that sort of brings that wall down a bit. admit it's there, and the elephant in the room becomes a mouse. i'm on the same page as everyone. they aren't sitting at home thinking "oh god, she sounds so nervous! this is so painful!"

later in the show, we got down to some of the more meat & potatoes questions, after i was given time to warm up to the situation and get a feel for everything.
for this, i needed cheat sheets. well structured notes. i was going to do them, but being stressed out makes me absent minded.
how could i possibly forget to do something like that? you ask. well, this is me and forgetting the blatantly obvious is one of the things i do when i am nervous beyond belief. i ended up stumbling and completely blanking on EVERY BAND THAT EXISTS ON PEI EVER. oh fuck. i feel fairly terrible. that was my chance to put little charlottetown with it's ridiculously exploding music community in the spotlight.

it was an incredible experience. one i learned a lot from. i think if i am ever in that situation again, i will be much more prepared.

it also opened some doors for me in a sense. i'm hooked. i loved co-hosting. it's spurred some talk between myself and a friend. i'm hoping this talk leads to exciting things.
also, i absolutely have to mention: the support i got was beyond anything i ever expected. so many people messaged me to tell me they were listening, to tell me they were enjoying the show. for 2 days people came up to me when they saw me out to say they listened. some said they couldn't listen, but read all 258 comments to my blog entry. several veterans of the blog said they've never seen so many comments.
i had no idea this would happen. none at all and i am beyond amazed and thankful. it was incredibly humbling, yet gave me such a boost of confidence.



...and just when ma starts nagging me to uproot again and go back to halifax to go to NSCC...